Processing the loss of a child
Losing a baby means the loss of dreams for the baby’s future.
Parents may feel they were robbed of time to get to know their child.
Friends and family may never have met the child.
Though infant loss is often painful and traumatic, it’s possible to find healthy ways to cope.
The right therapist can help parents find ways to mourn and honour their child’s death. Therapy is not about forgetting the child or the loss Instead, the goal is to work through the pain of infant loss, move forward, and find ways to seek support from loved ones. Though life may never be the same, a good life is still possible.
Grief in response to this type of loss is normal and understandable. So, loved ones should not try to rush the grieving process or encourage parents to “move on.” While it is possible to recover, parents will never forget their baby. Encouraging them to do otherwise is harmful.
Whilst grief at any stage is traumatic, the loss of a child leaves a different void in our lives.
We have some general advice on grief in this blog - https://www.solvingminds.co.uk/blog-1/bereavement
As everyone looks to the mother who carried the baby, it’s easy to overlook the father’s need for time and space to grieve too.
We suggest the following to help you process what you have been through.
Making short, achievement lists every day. Try to get outside for some fresh air. Going for a walk and talking with your partner can really help, too. You don’t have to talk about your loss but chat about anything, even booking a short break away or what the other person fancies for dinner.
Find a way to express your emotions: It is vital that you recognise what you are feeling and find a way to express it. You may not feel ready to confront your feelings for a while, but eventually you might try writing a journal. Be honest with yourself. We have more about journaling here - https://www.solvingminds.co.uk/blog/journaling, talking to a friend or your partner.
Find a keepsake for your child: It may be helpful to find ways of remembering your child in your daily life and honouring the love you feel for them. Don’t feel pressured to throw out all their toys and possessions. You may want to keep a blanket or cuddly toy as a way of acknowledging their importance to you.
Communicate with your partner: Losing a child does not mean your relationship is over. Though the grief may make things difficult, your bond may actually strengthen as you learn to support and comfort one another. Consider Couples Counselling if you are struggling to understand each other’s needs.
Look after your health: You may experience a loss of appetite or sleeplessness, but try to eat well and regularly, and see a doctor if these symptoms continue. We have some ideas in our Grief Self Care Box Blog - https://www.solvingminds.co.uk/blog-1/griefselfcarebox
Find a way to celebrate the baby’s life with loved ones: For instance, plan a memorial service.
Please do ask for help – there is no set timeframe for grief. It happens in stages and you “don’t just get over it” or “should have dealt with it by now”. It is ok not to be ok. This is perfectly normal. You can ask for help whenever you need it as that is the right time for you no matter how long ago the loss happened.