Opening up - a difficult conversation is better than never talking again.
A bit about my mental health journey and what prompted my change in direction I took my life.
I have always told myself I am a trouper, that I dig deep and battle on, I am very tough on the outside and it is exceedingly difficult for me to open up and let anyone in. To show anyone the real me, its easier to build that massive defence and keep myself safe. There are probably a handful of people who I have truly opened up to and let in.
It has become acceptable to have mental health issues and we have all seen the campaigns ‘its good to talk’ and ‘it is ok to not be ok’ BUT the hardest thing of all is accepting it to yourself and sometimes it takes someone else to make you realise what is really going on.
On paper I am extremely fortunate, I am fit and healthy, with a love for running, which is shared with friends and I am a committee member of our local running club. I have a loving, supportive husband Jez, 3 happy healthy children. I have a sister, and sister-in-law who are a big part of my life as are my parents whom I am lucky they are both still alive and well and an extensive extended family. I am a homeowner with a nice 4 bed detached house near the sea, 2 cars on the drive, food on the table and clothes on our backs. Between me and Jeremy we have successfully run our own company, totally self-funded. Taking all this into consideration I never felt like mental health issues would hit me – what would I have to be depressed or anxious about?
If I look back now in hindsight, I am not sure when things didn’t feel great, but being the trouper I am, I got on with it. Buried it deep and locked it away – even from those select few who I had let in.
Gradually last year I started to withdraw, to distance myself from people, avoided going to running club, changed where I picked my daughter up from school so I didn’t have to talk to other parents, avoided work meetings. This happened slowly and not consciously intentional.
When out on our usual 5km run with Jez he asked me if I was ok? I replied of course, why? He told me I didn’t seem like myself and was I really ok? That I seemed like I was struggling mentally and emotionally. At that point I broke down in tears, realising I couldn’t hide it anymore, I had gone through cycles of depression with a lack of desire to do anything at all to periods of anxiety where I couldn’t stop, I would always be doing something and have a project on the go.
With his support I spoke to my GP who diagnosed depression and anxiety and put me on a mild antidepressant. I am truly blessed to have someone who bit the bullet and spoke to me, told me I wasn’t doing as well as I thought, there was only so long I could keep the charade up and keep everyone out from the real me inside. There are even fewer people who are in that inner circle – who I have laid myself out – who know to reach out, who know to be there when I may not know I need them to.
Before Christmas I undertook a series of counselling sessions with a mindset coach who has helped me no end. By keeping a wall up I let my own self esteem slide, with my coach’s help I have come to the realisation, I do matter, I deserve to be heard and have a voice and opinion. As a result, I am now feeling a lot more confident and, in a place where I am ok writing this. To quote the song:
“I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me”
You may wonder why I am writing this all down, it isn’t to say ‘it is ok to not be ok’ we all know that, it is to say that if you have a friend or family member you notice isn’t themselves then please do speak to them, help them realise they may need help before things go too far, I am sure a difficult conversation is better than never having a conversation with them again.